What if nothing's broken? Finding a path of peace and quiet joy
On postponed dreams and hard news, the power of acceptance, and playing with rhythm in your art
Poetry isn't about perfection—it's about presence. The commitment to your voice, to the page, to the rhythms of language that move through you.
—Annie Finch and Sanya Khurana
Weekly Wonders
Probably the biggest moment of joy and wonder I had this week was seeing the apple blossoms on our tree. Two years ago we had a huge harvest from this one tree. So many apples! We ate them like crazy. We gave them to friends. I brought a big box of them to the local homeless shelter. And my friend Betsey and I spent a whole afternoon making applesauce that we then enjoyed for months.
Then, last year, no blossoms, no apples. A late storm. And maybe the banner year before. So, I was absolutely delighted to see these beautiful pink buds emerging.
Lately, the best moments of my day are standing in the grass barefoot in the mornings, listening to the birdsong and feeling the spring air and seeing the new green on everything. And, sitting at my altar in prayer/meditation. I finally get quiet and peaceful then. How do I know this? Because at the end of each day, I have a practice of asking myself what was the best moment of my day and giving thanks for that.
What are your best moments? By tracking them, you can increase them or be sure to include them in your day.
Hard News About My Health
I received devastating news about my health last week. Actually, it’s been coming in waves for a few weeks, so each time I start to adjust a little, I get more confirmation or details, and I’m knocked down again. The cancer I thought I’d largely healed is back.
My emotions have been a swirling mess. My thoughts have often been a torture chamber. I’m trying to decide on a path of healing—there are many options—but I’m feeling tired and overwhelmed.
I’ve been praying daily for clear guidance and signs, as well as for the energy and faith to keep going. There are glimmers only so far.
What If Nothing’s Broken?
I had an epiphany this week in my Women’s Temple group, which I’ve been attending since 2007. We were talking about the Sisterhood Manifesto that one of our founders, Chameli Ardagh, created. The Manifesto is a set of agreements we make with one another to foster right relationship.
In the circle this week, we were drawing cards at random, each of which had one of the agreements on it, and then reflecting on what it brought up for us. Then, one sister suggested we also turn the statements around to how we relate to ourselves. My brain just about exploded when I did that.
The two cards I’d drawn said: “I will listen to you.” And “I will not try to fix you.”
I realized I’ve spent nearly my whole life trying to fix myself. And I’m tired.
What if, instead of trying to fix myself, I listened more deeply to myself instead?
What if, instead of trying to change this negative aspect of myself, I listened to it more deeply to discover what it needs or wants?
What if, instead of trying to heal myself of this dis-ease, I listened to the dis-ease?
It’s a subtle shift.
It’s not like I’ve been beating myself up all these years (though I can certainly fall into that). It’s not like I don’t listen to myself. I journal nearly daily and check in with myself throughout the day in many ways. The tools I’ve used for transformation and healing are powerful and effective.
It’s just: What if I don’t need fixing? What if nothing’s broken? What if I don’t need to do forgiveness steps or beliefs change work, I just need to sit more deeply with what is? Perhaps, by listening deeply, I will be moved to do forgiveness practice or beliefs change work, but perhaps not.
I don’t know what, if anything, will come of this epiphany. My mind’s still a bit blown by it, and I don’t feel like I know how to do things differently than I always have. Nor am I sure how to listen more deeply to myself or these elements of self. But I do feel that maybe they have something more to say than I’ve been hearing.
So, I’ve been reiterating these words to myself: I will listen to you. I will not try to fix you.
Costa Rica Is On Hold. What Happens Now?
One of the most brutal things about this news about my health is that it means that we aren’t moving to Costa Rica this summer. It puts those plans on hold indefinitely, which is really hard and confusing. It seemed we’d been so guided to that dream, so many doors just magically opening. And we were moving full steam ahead with plans and preparations. Now it’s ground to a halt.
I know I need to do my best to live in the moment and enjoy my life now, each day. That’s what’s really clear. I don’t know how much time I have left. None of us do. But it’s become very real and present for me. So, I want to make the most of my time and focus on what brings me joy and delight each day, to center my days around that.
I’m doing that by carving out time to make art and buying flowers to plant in my pots and getting outside in this gorgeous weather. I’m also thinking of what else I want in my days now, what would bring me joy.
I manage to drop into Awareness and out of the small, miserable self for periods of time. And that is a great relief. From the perspective of Awareness, I am not these whirling thoughts and storming emotions. I am not this body and its dis-ease. And there is nothing wrong. There’s just noticing and peace.
Words and Art
I signed up for NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) with Annie Finch for April. She’s emailing a prompt a day to write a poem using meter. Something I don’t usually focus on. I’ve only opened two of the eleven days of emails so far and written one poem. Below, for paid subscribers, is the poem I wrote.
April is National Poetry Month, and I’m usually immersed in all things poetry at this time, and loving it. I gave two readings and, tomorrow, I’ll be at the Sierra Poetry Festival all day, soaking up the nourishment.
But mostly I’m finding myself leaning towards visual art and away from words right now. Words put me too much in the head, and my head is often an awful place to be at the moment. I’m keeping up my practice of drawing a little bit daily to online tutorials and finding peace and enjoyment in that.
I have two creativity prompts for you to play with in this week’s Wonder Sparks: A writing prompt and a drawing prompt. You don’t need any experience to play with these. Remember, creativity is about play. Just experiment, try things. Let yourself be a beginner (again and again) and have fun.
I also have a soul prompt to explore in your journal. Read on for those and for my new poem.
If you aren’t seeing the Wonder Sparks and my poem below, I encourage you to upgrade to a paid subscription. You get access to weekly sparks to help you cultivate more wonder, play, creativity, and inner freedom in your life. And you’ll get special things I only share with paid subscribers. Plus, you can be a part of our community. And show your support for what I offer here.