Between the Eclipse and Illness: Fragments and Flowers
On major shake-ups, the eclipse window, feeling awful and a practice to return to well-being, rediscovering Rilke, my latest art book, and more
“God does not die on the day we cease to believe in a personal deity, but we die on the day when our lives cease to be illumined by the steady radiance, renewed daily, of a wonder, the source of which is beyond all reason.” —former United Nations Secretary Dag Hammarskjold
This has been a very tough week physically—bewildering, scary. It obliterates so many of my plans for the day. Hours slip past during which all I can do is try to mitigate sensations in my body. Or doze in a half-sleep. My to-do list is destroyed. So is my wish-list.
So, today’s post will be shorter and more fragmented.
Rediscovering Rilke
I mentioned here on Small Wonders that I’ve been seeking to rekindle my poetic voice. There’s a yearning in me to express again in this way, though I still haven’t figured out how to make time for both writing and visual art. Especially when I lose so much time to illness.
This week I watched a wonderful video discussion between Krista Tippett, Padraig O’Tuama, and Mark S. Burrows on “Reading Rilke Today.” Here’s what I wrote in my journal after that:
Rilke is the poetic voice I’ve been seeking these past months—once again Rilke, one of my first and most enduring poetic loves. But how to write like him? Impossible. Only Rilke can do that. How then to write like me but with more of what I love in his writing? I must look closely again at what he does and perhaps return to my translations of him.
Here is one of my translations of the final one of The Sonnets to Orpheus. If you watch the video, they share Mark’s translation of this same sonnet (I think mine is better!) and read aloud the original German version, which is lovely to hear.
Sonnets to Orpheus II.29 Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. Maxima Kahn Silent friend of many distances, feel how your breath is still expanding space. In the caverns of dark bell towers let yourself ring out. What gnaws at you becomes your power from such nourishment. Weave transformation through and through. Which experience has been most painful to you? Is drinking bitter? Become the wine. In this unruly night, be the magic power at the crossroads of your senses, the meaning of their strange encounter. And if the earthly has forgotten you, to the still land, say: I am running. To the rushing water, speak: I am.
Demoralized
The shaman I’m working with asked me why I have chosen the word “demoralized” for what I feel about my health lately. Strange word. What do morals have to do with it?
The American Heritage dictionary gives this definition: “To undermine the confidence or morale of: dishearten.” Well, that is exactly how I feel.
It can also mean “To put into disorder, confuse.” This downturn has done that with my life, my dreams, hopes, and even my daily plans.
Or “To debase the morals of: corrupt.” Thankfully, no, it hasn’t done that.
The Eclipse Window
We’re in a window between two eclipses—between September 7 and September 21—which astrologers say is all about major shake-ups, letting go, confronting (and hopefully healing) deep wounds, the unexpected, and so on. I recommend this post by Lorna Bevan with some wonderful suggestions for how to weather these times.
From my journal: These are bizarrely hard times—major shake-up. So many people going through big difficult things, so many big disturbing things on the world stage. We’re in an eclipse window now, which supposedly amplifies it all, destablizes, opens. . . but honestly, it’s felt this way all year.
A few other snippets from my journal this week:
I miss my mother. (Tomorrow will be her birthday, though she’s no longer in a body.)
I miss having a life.
Am I healing or dying? (It’s the lack of clarity around this which is so stressful. Or it’s one of the things that is so stressful. Reports have shown good progress. Meanwhile, symptoms are going bonkers, and I feel awful.)
An Explosion of Flowers
My favorite accordion book that I’ve made so far. No pop-ups in this one, but I went much further with collaging and painting on the backgrounds of pages. Also playing with “breaking the frame” by letting some images extend beyond the edge of the page.
I used certain colors and marks and the theme of flowers to, I hope, bring cohesion to the book.
This book is longer, more pages, so it’s hard to photograph the whole thing. First, the cover, then, a video of flipping through the book. Then, views of the pages.
And now for this week’s Wonder Sparks with a simple practice for grounding and self-soothing, given to me by one of my Qigong practitioners. If you’re not yet a paid subscriber, please consider upgrading, so you receive the Wonder Sparks and access to the lists of Wonderful Books, Art, Movies, Music and more in our Chat threads (I’ve been working on updating these this week—more to come!).