Awakening to Wonder

On sacred fire, life tables, awakening in stages, making time for what you love, and reflecting on the outgoing year

“There’s nothing to fix in your life. Nothing to change. Nothing to accomplish. Nothing to do. Except to abide in the Power that knows the way. It’s so simple, yet it’s so hard for some of us. And it’s hard because we allow the thoughts to come to us and spoil everything.”
—Robert Adams, Silence of the Heart

This past week held several significant wonders for me. I hope it held wonder for you too.

Winter Solstice Wonders

Last Saturday, December 21, we held our annual winter solstice fire circle. Fourteen of us gathered around a fire outside, drank sacred spicy hot cacao, drummed and sang and laughed, and spoke to what we are letting go of and what we wish to call in.

It was a gorgeous evening and powerful, the way sacred fire is. I felt a real shift in my healing happen on multiple levels. This was the first big wonder of the past week.

Before the circle, during the afternoon, I made a “life table,” following the ideas I shared with you last week from Perelandra.

my solstice life table and our solstice fire

Making the life table was such a sweet, nourishing, simple creative activity. It helped me connect to the unique energies of the season, finding things in my yard and around my home that spoke to that. I set it up on a table outside for the fire circle and then moved it inside where I have been enjoying it daily, a little piece of magic in my home.

Awakening Wonder

The next big wonder happened on December 23.

I’ve mentioned here that I’ve been obsessed with Awakening for months now and following a number of non-dual teachers and teachings. I promise I’ll do a post devoted to them very soon.

My longing to fully awaken to the true nature of Reality and to be deeply free inside has been so intense that it has led me into some very challenging inner spaces. I’ve been in a mini dark night of the soul for the past month.

One of the non-dual teachers I most resonate with is David Bingham, who has helped thousands of people to realize their true natures. On November 23, a day before my birthday, I had a one on one conversation with him on Zoom, hoping he could do this for me. I had very high hopes.

The gist of that conversation was that David said he could tell that I already had realized my true nature and all that remained for me was to choose to rest as the Effortless Awareness that I am. But, I argued, I don’t have full, clear seeing that I am not a separate self. I don’t know how to rest as Effortless Being. And I’m not free from doubt, fear, and suffering, so this is not the total awakening I’m looking for.

I became very despondent after the conversation and tied in knots for weeks.

Once you happen upon the desire to truly awaken, nothing else will really satisfy that longing. Other pursuits that once brought joy were feeling flat, and I was wrestling with my mind horribly. Plus, my body flared up with symptoms.

After some volley back and forth by email, David agreed to have another conversation with me on December 23. Because I’ve been in a very hard place lately, I went into this conversation with low expectations.

The result was a lovely two-hour conversation, in which I asked many questions and received a lot more clarity. I came out of it feeing quite peaceful and have continued to feel a lot more ease and freedom. A noticeable shift, blessing, wonder.

It’s not the full awakening I’m determined to have. But it’s a step.

Meanwhile, in reading accounts of awakenings, I see they are quite different, though they share certain key similarities. Many people go through an often lengthy integration process of working through old attachments, patterns, triggers.

So, I continue the journey, which is a journey home to what I already am. Whatever I learn, discover, or gain, I will be sure to share with you.

Healing Wonder

Despite some continued difficult symptoms and uncertainty about my condition, I realized this week how immensely far I’ve come on my healing journey this past year. I re-read my journal entries from this time last year and I was in very bad shape physically then with a great deal of uncertainty about whether this body would survive.

I’m wildly grateful for the miracle of healing I’ve experienced, to be as well as I am now. Absolutely amazing. The support of my community and loved ones was a huge part of this healing and I’m so deeply grateful for that.

I have two Wonder Sparks this week to help you cultivate more wonder, connection, and creativity in your life during this special time of year. Read on for those things you can try at home.